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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26259529">Custody Battle</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Godspeed_Cowboy/pseuds/Godspeed_Cowboy'>Godspeed_Cowboy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Accidental Child Acquisition, Attempt at Humor, Brat Children, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Crack, Crack Fic, Father Figures, Fourth Shinobi War, Funny, Gen, Hatake Kakashi is a Troll, Humor, IF THEY WERE IN THIS I WOULD HAVE TAGGED THEM, IF YOU WANT A FIC WITH GAARA AND SHIT GO FIND IT ELSE WHERE I AM SO SO SO TIREDDDD, IT'S A FUCKING CRACK FIC THERE'S NO FUCKING PLOT, LIKE GAARA OR KANKURO AND SHIT, Madara and Tobirama are in there 30's-40's here, Maternal Instinct, Multi, Other, STOP TELLING ME I FORGOT CHARACTERS, Self-Indulgent, Stupidity, Surprise Adoption, Tags Are Hard, Team Seven are both little shits and done with everything, That's all this fic is lmao, This Is STUPID, Tobirama VS Madara, Update: september 11 2020, What Was I Thinking?, parental figures, there was an attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:07:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>843</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26259529</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Godspeed_Cowboy/pseuds/Godspeed_Cowboy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the founders discovered that there are kids fighting in the war?</p>
<p>Also known as,</p>
<p>How to stop a war through parental instincts.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dai-nana-han | Team Seven &amp; Konoha 12, Senju Tobirama &amp; Uchiha Madara</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>363</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Custody Battle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I bring y'all some crack on this fine morning to make up for not posting yesterday!</p>
<p>Twitter: @YeehawMitski</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>	Uchihas and Senjus have a problem, specifically between Madara and Tobirama.</p>
<p>	Now, it’s not a bad one, perse. Not as bad as most.</p>
<p>	But the problem is that it’s an inconvenience, as such proved by the current events of the fourth war.</p>
<p>	“Back off, <em>Uchiha</em>! They’re not yours! I already got first dibs, so give me the girl!”</p>
<p>	“Bullshit they aren’t, <em>Senju</em>! Look at them! You can’t tell me they don’t have Uchiha attitudes! For goodness sake, one of them is literally an Uchiha! Maybe if you let me have all three I’ll shut it!”</p>
<p>	“Never!”</p>
<p>	The problem in question?</p>
<p>	Adopting children at first sight. And Team seven is currently the center of the problem.</p>
<p>	Sasuke and Naruto are held under the arms of the Second Hokage, Konoha’s Smartest Leader, like footballs, and Sakura is in a similar position, but the problem is that she’s being held by Konoha’s Most Wanted War Criminal.</p>
<p>	Now, how this came about exactly is a complicated story, or maybe not. </p>
<p>	You see, Hashirama had been praising the three on the battlefield, making comments about how accomplished they were already, which led to him asking the question of how old they were as he smashed a tree trunk through a group of particularly stubborn Zetsu.</p>
<p>	And hearing the words “We’re sixteen!” with such joy had nearly thrown him off his axis.</p>
<p>	And it just so happened that Konoha’s most notorious pair known for childcare were nearby.</p>
<p>	And in the eyes of the two, sixteen fell under the category “child”, though perhaps it was because they were already so old. And they know that children don't belong on battlefields.</p>
<p>	Sasuke was the first to be plucked from the ground, Tobirama faster than lightning, and then he snatched up Naruto, planning to take them back to the camp where they could be properly taken care of. However, Sakura was the one that successfully evaded him, having seen just what he was up to. And she did not feel like getting lugged around by their previous leader.</p>
<p>	Unfortunately for her, she did not know Madara was the same way. And as such, when he appeared behind her unexpectedly, she went down quickly, grabbed like a toddler caught in a cookie jar.</p>
<p>	And now Tobirama and Madara were standing on opposite sides of the field, yelling at each other to hand over the children, while everyone else watched the fight with growing amusement and embarrassment. </p>
<p>	“Yeah, well, he certainly doesn’t behave like one!”</p>
<p>	“BULL! SHIT!”</p>
<p>	“NOT!”</p>
<p>	Naruto covers his face, embarrassed and Sasuke starts to kick around to try and get free. Sakura covers her mouth to keep herself from laughing, especially because she can’t be one to talk. </p>
<p>	“JUST HAND THEM OVER, DAMMIT! THEY’RE FAMILY, THEY CAN’T BE SEPARATED! ALL UCHIHA KNOW THAT!”</p>
<p>	“YEAH WELL THAT JUST MAKES EVEN MORE SENSE FOR YOU TO HAND THE PINK HAIRED ONE OVER!”
</p>
<p>	“NO, SHE’S NOT YOUR KID!”</p>
<p>	“SHE’S NOT YOURS EITHER!”</p>
<p>	Kakashi, in that moment, decides that he’ll push some buttons, shit eating grin under his mask. He has an idea.</p>
<p>	“Say, Shikamaru,” he drawls, loud enough for the arguing pair to hear, “isn’t your sixteenth birthday coming up here in a bit?”</p>
<p>	Shikamaru’s eyes scream “murder” as the two undead turn to look at him.</p>
<p>	Ino begins to laugh, and Shikamaru is, above all, a petty boy when he wants to be.</p>
<p>	“Don’t laugh, Ino, you’re literally the same age.”</p>
<p>	Ino stops laughing then and looks at him with betrayal.</p>
<p>	Madara looks at Kakashi, “You, grey hair, how many more children are fighting here?”</p>
<p>	The rest of the Konoha twelve begin to plot his demise as soon as he answers, “Nine more.”</p>
<p>	Immediately, they scatter, giving away their positions. Tobirama and Madara, of course, chase them down.</p>
<p>	And so there is a divide then, equal. On Madara’s side, held by clones, are Sakura, Shikamaru, Kiba, Hinata, Ino, and Lee. On Tobirama’s side, held by his own copies, are Naruto, Sasuke, Tenten, Neji, Chouji and Shino.</p>
<p>	All teams are split and none of them are liking it. </p>
<p>	“Madara . . .” Tobirama says, threatening, “Hand them over.”</p>
<p>	Madara pretends to think, “Hmmm,” he taps a hand on his chin and then, “No, I don’t think I will.”</p>
<p>	“Madara!” snaps the albino.</p>
<p>	“<em>Tobirama</em>!” replies the Uchiha, mocking. </p>
<p>	Everyone can tell that if this doesn’t stop soon, an actual fight is going to break out. The children attempt to struggle their way out of their captors' holds, only to be reprimanded and scolded like they drew on the walls, embarrassing a few, amusing some, and angering others.</p>
<p>	Everything is going according to Kakashi’s plan. Said man steps forward.</p>
<p>	“Say,” he says, “Why don’t we call for a . . . truce? Of sorts? After all, there <em>are children</em> present. Maybe we could make a little treaty?”</p>
<p>	The two men stare at one another before they both grunt out, “<em>Deal</em>.”</p>
<p>	The children are put down, but they don’t try to run. They simply glare at all three men. </p>
<p>	Hashirama and Tsunade sigh. The headache this is going to cause will be <em>monstrumental</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Let's goooo</p></blockquote></div></div>
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